Understanding Bullying and Autism
When “Tattling” Feels Wrong: Understanding Bullying and Autism
Bullying is something no child should ever have to experience. But for kids on the autism spectrum, it can be especially confusing and painful — often in ways that others might not see or understand.
Children with autism tend to see the world through a lens of honesty, fairness, and routine. They take people’s words at face value. They often assume that everyone means what they say and that rules apply equally to everyone. Because of this, it’s not always easy for them to recognize when someone’s being unkind, manipulative, or hurtful.
When Bullying Isn’t Obvious
For many autistic kids, teasing can look like friendship. A sarcastic comment might seem like a joke — even when it’s meant to sting. A “friend” who only hangs around to get laughs at their expense might still be seen as someone who cares. These blurred lines can make it incredibly difficult for autistic children to realize when they’re being bullied.
And even when they do sense something is wrong, another obstacle often stands in the way: the fear of being a “tattle-tale.”
The Tattle-Tale Trap
Many kids with autism work very hard to follow rules — including the social ones. They’re often taught early on that “tattling” is bad, that it’s something you just don’t do. They don’t want to get anyone in trouble, and they don’t want others to think they’re a snitch or a baby.
But here’s the truth we need to help them understand:
Speaking up about bullying isn’t tattling. It’s self-advocacy. It’s courage. It’s protecting yourself — and possibly others, too.
When a child with autism reports bullying, they’re not trying to cause problems. They’re trying to make sense of a situation that feels confusing and wrong. They need reassurance that telling a trusted adult is the right thing to do — always.
In Our House...
In our house, we are working hard to understand all of this. My boys don’t know they are autistic yet, but I’m at the point where I’m considering telling them — not as a label, but as a key to help them understand themselves and how their brains work. I want them to be able to ask more questions, to see that their way of thinking and feeling isn’t “wrong” — it’s just different.
We talk a lot about how there are bullies everywhere, but what matters is learning how to respond. How to know when it’s time to tell a teacher because someone is being physical, and how to walk away when someone is just being verbally mean.
Right now, we’re really struggling with this. Mornings have become hard. We sit in the car before school, and I can see the worry — not wanting to get out, not wanting to face the same mean words or looks.
And I find myself wondering: When is the right time to tell them they are uniquely awesome? When is the right time to help them understand that it’s okay — more than okay — to walk away, to stand up for themselves, to tell the teacher, or to take a break and start fresh somewhere else on the playground?
I want them to know that it’s okay to sit by themselves for a few minutes, take a deep breath, and start over. It’s okay to find someone new to play with, or to play alone until it feels safe again.
It’s okay not to be liked by everyone, even when you want so badly to be friends with everyone. Sometimes, it’s not about having a lot of friends — it’s about having a few who see you, understand you, and stand by you. The kind of friends who love you for who you really are.
How Adults Can Help
Teach the difference between “tattling” and “telling.”
Use clear examples:Tattling is meant to get someone in trouble.
Telling is meant to keep someone safe.
Talk openly about what bullying looks like.
Many autistic kids benefit from direct explanations and visuals — showing what bullying, teasing, friendship, and kindness look like in real life and how to tell them apart.Reassure and validate.
When a child comes to you with a concern, thank them for trusting you. Let them know they did the right thing, and that you’ll help figure it out together.Model empathy and advocacy.
Kids learn best from what they see. When adults calmly address conflicts and stand up for what’s right, children begin to see that it’s safe to speak up.
Building a Safe Space for Every Child
Every child — especially those with autism — deserves to feel safe, understood, and supported. By teaching them how to identify bullying, by helping them find the words to speak up, and by celebrating their courage when they do, we can make sure they know one powerful truth:
They are never “tattling” for standing up for themselves.
They are being brave — and that bravery deserves to be seen, supported, and celebrated.
Note: I am not a licensed therapist, nor have I received formal training in this field. The information I share comes from personal research and strategies I have implemented—or plan to implement—within my own home. My goal is to provide insight into approaches that have supported my children and our family, as well as to share what has or has not been effective for us.